Posts Tagged ‘Best Animated Feature Film’

My Jokes for the 2013 Oscars!

February 26, 2013

During the Oscars I was writing jokes for my freelance gig for a morning radio prep service. I figured I’d post them here so the world at large could enjoy them – even the ones the radio didn’t buy!

“Brave” won the Oscar for Best Animated Film. Voters picked “Brave” because they thought they were honoring anyone who sat all the way through Seth MacFarlane’s opening.

When accepting his Oscar for Best Supporting Actor, Christoph Waltz quote dialogue from “Django Unchanged”. Even more impressive than winning an Oscar, he managed to find the only lines in the whole movie that didn’t use the “N-word.”

Seth MacFarlane’s opening monologue included references to “Star Trek”, “The Flying Nun” and “Smokey and the Bandit”. All of which were more current than any reference Seth’s ever included in an episode of “Family Guy”.

“Les Misérables” won the Oscar for Best Makeup. They did amazing work, but they still couldn’t do anything to touch up was Russell Crowe’s singing voice.

The opening of the Oscars included a number where Channing Tatum performed a dance with Charlize Theron in a tuxedo. It was as good as I imagined it would be. Except replace “Charlize Theron” with “me” and “tuxedo” with “purple rhinestone-studded jockstrap.”

“Paperman” won the Oscar for Best Animated Short. And Seth MacFarlane’s opening monologue won the Oscar for Best Un-Animated Long.

William Shatner took part in a filmed bit at the beginning of the Oscars. It was a strange choice for a ceremony that honors great acting. But not as strange as next week’s Great Boyfriend Awards opening with a race by Oscar Pistorius.

“Argo” won the Oscar for Best Editing. Mainly for the great job they did editing the “F” out of “Fargo”.

George Clooney introduced the “In Memoriam” segment of the Oscar show. First in the segment: George Clooney’s youth.

The Oscars included a salute to movie musicals and a performance by Barbra Streisand. And if you got excited about all that. . . congratulations on coming out of the closet!

Adele’s “Skyfall” won the Oscar for Best Original Song. Adele plans to put the statue in her mansion. . . the one she bought to keep all her other awards.

Daniel Day-Lewis became the first man to win three Oscars for Best Actor. Gauntlet tossed, Adam Sandler!

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The Official 2011 Academy Awards Drinking Game!!

February 23, 2011

So for the past couple of years – i.e., 2008, 2009 and 2010 – I’ve posted on our show’s website my “official” rules for the Academy Awards drinking game. Well, it’s that time again – so check out the “official” rules of the 2011 Academy Awards Drinking Game!!

And what better place to watch the Oscars than on Hollywood Boulevard itself? So if you don’t have a ticket to the Kodak, head about a mile east to iO West to watch the show on the big screen in the Mainstage starting at 5:30!! Then stick around after the show for an all-new Top Story! Weekly with special guest Steve Wright, followed by an all-new Deskpiece Nation featuring writers from “Conan” and “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” iO West has a full bar (so it’s 21+ for Mainstage shows – bring your ID!) and will feature an Oscar night special – $5 Champagne splits. Plus iO West has valet parking right next door on Cosmo, so for just $5 with validation you won’t have to worry about all the restrictions that night!


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