I recently was fortunate enough to be invited to submit to “The Colbert Report.” As part of the application process I wrote the following “Wag of the Finger.” Thought I’d post it here for anyone interested to enjoy!
(OPEN ON: STEPHEN COLBERT AT HIS DESK.)
STEPHEN
Folks, I’m here to serve you a balanced diet of facts, with your minimum daily requirement of Vitamin Truth. This is “Tip of the Hat”/”Wag of the Finger.”
Now Nation, one of my favorite things rolls around once every four years. And I’m not talking about the Cher farewell tour. No, it’s 2012, which means the Summer Olympics are about to begin again. But just a few weeks before the Opening Ceremonies my enthusiasm has been dampened like the athletes will be by the London weather. Which is why I’m giving a wag of my finger to the U.S. Olympic Committee. Two members of the U.S. team just appeared on the “Today Show” to show off the uniforms Ralph Lauren designed for our athletes for the Opening Ceremonies. Let’s take a look.
(PHOTO: HEATHER MITTS AND TIM MOREHOUSE ON THE “TODAY SHOW” WEARING THE OLYMPIC UNIFORMS)
STEPHEN
Okay…pressed white pants…sharp navy blazers…berets…red white and blue neckwear…hold on – back up! Berets? Our Olympic team is wearing berets? Were they out of baguettes and sneers? There are only two circumstances when it’s appropriate for Americans to wear berets. One, when they are going door to door selling thin mints. And two, when they are taking the virginity of someone who works part time at a five and dime for a boss named Mr. McGee – and then only if they are wearing a raspberry one that they found in a secondhand store.
For the record, normally I’m a big fan of Ralph Lauren. How could you not love a designer who named his fashion line after a sport too expensive for the 99%? But if our guys walk into the Olympic Stadium wearing berets, the Europeans won’t be thinking “We must shake and tremble before this truly superior nation.” They’ll be thinking, “The only American I’ve seen in a beret is Monica Lewinsky, so I guess these guys really suck!”
And yes, I know our team have worn berets before. Like in Salt Lake City, in 2002. But those were the Winter Olympics. They don’t count! Plus, Salt Lake City? American soil. This time, we are going to a foreign country. And not just any foreign country – the country that our Founding Fathers broke away from to ensure they could live in a land where there could never be government health care or gay marriage. Our uniforms need to make a statement. And if our athletes walk into the stadium in London with berets on their heads, the statement we will be making is “We will lie down and surrender the moment an opponent threatens us.”
The outfits the athletes wear in the Opening Ceremonies are supposed to be easily identifiable cultural signifiers-slash-stereotypes. Just like “It’s a Small World,” only with slightly less annoying music. So why not have our athletes sport on their heads something that Americans actually wear? The Olympics are supposed to be about universal brotherhood, right? And nothing says “I want to be bros, brah” better than a backwards baseball cap! Or if we want to be more competitive, why not tell the rest of the world that we’re gonna make them our bitch with giant Superfly pimp hats?
But maybe our best choice would be to go back to what we wore in Beijing in 2008: a jaunty newsboy cap. For what headgear could possibly be a better reflection of modern American life than something worn by small children working long hours on dangerous city streets selling obsolete disposable products for pennies.
Mike Hughes' blog 
Watch “Double Bill” from Top Story! Weekly Episode 169: “The Call Heard Round the World”!
October 2, 2012This was one of my favorite sketches I’ve written in a long time, and people said some nice things afterwards. And it was a great example of how actors can and should generate their own material; Brian O’Connell suggested playing Clinton, Phillip Wilburn pitched the two Clintons, and the rest of the sketch fell together.
DOUBLE BILL by Michael Hughes
Starring Brian O’Connell (1998 Bill Clinton), Phillip Wilburn (2012 Bill Clinton) and Damien Fahey (David Kendall)
Directed by Kristina Adelmeyer
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Tags:1998, America Online, AOL, Bill Clinton, Brian O'Connell, Damien Fahey, David Kendall, I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Michael Hughes, Mike Hughes, Monica Lewinsky, Phillip Wilburn, Skynet, Terminator, Terminator 2, Top Story! Weekly
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