My Jokes for the 2013 Oscars!

During the Oscars I was writing jokes for my freelance gig for a morning radio prep service. I figured I’d post them here so the world at large could enjoy them – even the ones the radio didn’t buy!

“Brave” won the Oscar for Best Animated Film. Voters picked “Brave” because they thought they were honoring anyone who sat all the way through Seth MacFarlane’s opening.

When accepting his Oscar for Best Supporting Actor, Christoph Waltz quote dialogue from “Django Unchanged”. Even more impressive than winning an Oscar, he managed to find the only lines in the whole movie that didn’t use the “N-word.”

Seth MacFarlane’s opening monologue included references to “Star Trek”, “The Flying Nun” and “Smokey and the Bandit”. All of which were more current than any reference Seth’s ever included in an episode of “Family Guy”.

“Les Misérables” won the Oscar for Best Makeup. They did amazing work, but they still couldn’t do anything to touch up was Russell Crowe’s singing voice.

The opening of the Oscars included a number where Channing Tatum performed a dance with Charlize Theron in a tuxedo. It was as good as I imagined it would be. Except replace “Charlize Theron” with “me” and “tuxedo” with “purple rhinestone-studded jockstrap.”

“Paperman” won the Oscar for Best Animated Short. And Seth MacFarlane’s opening monologue won the Oscar for Best Un-Animated Long.

William Shatner took part in a filmed bit at the beginning of the Oscars. It was a strange choice for a ceremony that honors great acting. But not as strange as next week’s Great Boyfriend Awards opening with a race by Oscar Pistorius.

“Argo” won the Oscar for Best Editing. Mainly for the great job they did editing the “F” out of “Fargo”.

George Clooney introduced the “In Memoriam” segment of the Oscar show. First in the segment: George Clooney’s youth.

The Oscars included a salute to movie musicals and a performance by Barbra Streisand. And if you got excited about all that. . . congratulations on coming out of the closet!

Adele’s “Skyfall” won the Oscar for Best Original Song. Adele plans to put the statue in her mansion. . . the one she bought to keep all her other awards.

Daniel Day-Lewis became the first man to win three Oscars for Best Actor. Gauntlet tossed, Adam Sandler!

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Watch “One Giant Leap” from Top Story! Weekly Episode 165: “Chairman of the Bored”

So this sketch started out as a two-liner, but then I had the idea to turn it into an extended blackout. And this is also a rare instance where I not only wrote the sketch but I’m in it as well. Mitch’s character’s name, the director Gershwin B. Shaw, is the same one that Sean Cowhig had in the third sketch from this show in 2009, where a sketch by Matt Blitz had a somewhat similar theme. And some of us on stage did not break when we saw Mitch’s costume!!

ONE GIANT LEAP by Michael Hughes (Anchor),

Starring Michael Hughes (Buzz Aldrin), Phillip Wilburn (Neil Armstrong) and Mitchel Baldwin (Gershwin B. Shaw III)

Directed by Tom Repetto

Watch “Grill the Candidates: Newt Gingrich” from Top Story! Weekly Episode 136: “Three Amigos”

As I mentioned in my last post, our special Super Bowl Sunday episode of Top Story! Weekly had just three actors, so we did a “Grill the Candidates” format, where Mike McLendon and Kipleigh Brown questioned each of the four remaining Republican candidates, all played by Phillip Wilburn. We took question ideas from our writers, then assigned each of the four candidates to a specific writer to write a segment. I did the Gingrich one (although the rules were written by Matt Blitz).

GRILL THE CANDIDATES: NEWT GINGRICH by Michael Hughes

Starring Kipleigh Brown (Kipleigh), Mike McLendon (Mike) and Phillip Wilburn (Newt Gingrich)

Directed by Phillip Wilburn