Posts Tagged ‘Top List’

Top Signs You’re Seeing a Redneck Doctor!

September 28, 2012

Honey Boo Boo’s dad is home after spending 12 days in the hospital for a leg infection. That got us wondering about the “doctorin'” he received. Here are the Top Signs You’re Seeing a Redneck Doctor.

To sterilize everything he uses moonshine.

When his patients don’t make it, he stuffs and mounts them.

All of the pills he gives you are chicken-fried.

He writes you a prescription for crystal meth.

In front of his office is an ambulance on cinder blocks.

He checks your reflexes by having you pull his finger.

His lab coat has ads for Pennzoil and John Deere.

His nurse is also his wife. And his sister.

Instead of beeping, the heart monitor plays “Dixie” like the car horn on “The Dukes of Hazzard”.

His receptionist also sells bait.

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Top Things Overheard from President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad During His New York Trip!

September 28, 2012

Iran’s controversial president is in the Big Apple for the U.N. General Assembly session. Let’s get his observations with the Top Things Overheard from President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad During his New York Trip.

So are there any movies showing that don’t blaspheme Mohammed?

I found this bitchin’ store in Times Square with a sale on Members Only jackets!

In this whole city I bet I couldn’t find 72 virgins.

We better wrap things up at the U.N. on time. I’ve got tickets tonight to see “Newsies” on Broadway!

I know I hate the Jews and all, but I’d kill for a bagel with lox!

You call Iran a threat to America, and yet you give Lindsay Lohan a drivers’ license?

While I’m here, might as well pick up a few bucks by driving a cab.

The only way Iran will get “the bomb” is if I hook up with Sofia Vergara, am I right?

When my wife looks at my credit card statements, I’m going to have to deny the existence of these trips to Crazy Girls!

In Iran, we’d just have those replacement refs shot.

Top Questions To Ask Yourself Before You Get Castrated!

September 28, 2012

Researchers say men who are castrated live longer. If going to that extreme to extend your life interests you, first take a second and look at the Top Questions to Ask Yourself Before Getting Castrated:

Do I want my only choice at karaoke to be Bee Gees songs?

If I have the operation, what will I scratch mindlessly?

Will the operation make it easier to get elected as a Democrat?

Will my favorite movie change from “Terminator” to “The Notebook”?

Could I get the same effect by watching nothing but the OWN network?

Do I need to get them back from my wife first?

Can I have them back afterwards to tie to the back of my pickup?

Will I still be eligible to compete in drag beauty pageants?

Will they use the same procedure Angelina Jolie used on Brad Pitt?

Can I donate my “equipment” to Chaz Bono?

Top Little-Known Facts About the United Nations!

September 26, 2012

All the nations of the world are united on one thing: no way did Jon Cryer deserve that Emmy.

The delegates from France and Brazil totally hooked up during the holiday party.

All speeches are translated into Romulan.

Greece? Totally gay.

For some reason the Colombian ambassador is always getting phone calls from Lindsay Lohan and Billie Joe Armstrong

All that money collected by kids trick-or-treating for UNICEF actually goes to hire strippers.

The UN just stationed peacekeepers between Beyonce and Kim Kardashian.

The blue in the U.N. flag matches exactly Jake Gyllenhaal’s dreamy eyes.

When his speech gets cut short, Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad freaks out worse than Billie Joe Armstrong.

In order to get Angelina Jolie to serve as a U.N. goodwill ambassador, every country in the world had to agree to give her one child.

Top Things Overheard At the Emmys!!

September 25, 2012

And the Emmy goes to. . . Whitney Cummings. Psych!

If “Mad Men” loses, you “comfort” Christina Hendricks, and I’ll “comfort” Jon Hamm.

Neil Patrick Harris just offered to show me his “statue.” In the men’s room.

Best Supporting Actor? Now they’re just giving everything to Betty White!

To get through this show, I bought a little something from the guys from “Breaking Bad”.

I just stood between Sofia Vergara and Christina Hendricks. So I guess for me this just became the Golden Globes!

And this is your mother. Now you’ve finally met her.

In person, Zooey Deschanel is even more adorkable!

Look, Lady Gaga’s here! Oh, it’s just Mike from “Mike and Molly”.

I sure hope Best Comedy goes to the Mitt Romney campaign!

I just saw Jessica Lange up close. Talk about an “American Horror Story”!

Top Reasons You’re Still Unemployed

September 20, 2012

The only special skill listed on your resume is burping the lyrics to “Call Me Maybe”.

Turns out that Shannen Doherty was lying in those commercials about the value of a college degree you get off the internet.

There’s no job that can use your only computer skill: finding free porn.

Even though you’re 34, Mom and Dad won’t let you borrow the keys to the minivan.

Instead of typing your resume, you pasted letters cut out of magazines and newspapers.

Responding to help wanted ads by sexting wasn’t such a good idea.

In interviews you always bring up your love of collecting Nazi paraphernalia.

Dressing like a Hooters waitress only works when you’re applying at Hooters. And female.

Your only references are Gary Busey and Amanda Bynes.

Your last job was writing speeches for Mitt Romney fundraisers.

Top Questions to Ask Yourself Before Dating Arnold Schwarzenegger

September 19, 2012

Are you also willing to clean his house?

Can you put up with a boyfriend who speaks only in annoying catch phrases?

Do you mind having sex with someone whose organs are shrunken from years of steroid use?

Do you actually believe that Danny DeVito could be his twin brother?

Do you mind if his breasts are bigger than yours?

If you enjoy the date, will you come back for the sequel?

Would you be willing to sit through “Junior”?

Do you care if you have a last name no one can spell?

Do you want Arnold to do to you what he did to California as governor?

Would you please make sure he never, ever runs for office again?

Top Things Overheard At the Occupy Wall Street One-Year Anniversary Rally

September 19, 2012

Top Things Overheard At the Occupy Wall Street One-Year Anniversary Rally

In order to be here today, I took time off my not-having-a-job.

Didn’t we play hackysack together at a Phish concert?

I really wish everyone here would occupy a shower.

Coincidentally, it’s also the one-year anniversary of me moving into my parents’ basement.

I hope I get arrested. I need a place to sleep tonight.

You like patchouli and drum circles? I like patchouli and drum circles!!

I’m glad we have supporters who really know what it’s like to struggle, like Jay-Z and Sean Lennon.

I’d really like to occupy her 1%, if you know what I mean!

A year goes by so quickly when you’re high all the time!

I’m using my poetry degree as a seat cushion. It’s the most use I’ve ever gotten from it.

Top Other Things You Didn’t Know About Mitt Romney

September 19, 2012

I write freelance jokes for morning radio shows. One of the things they ask for are Top Ten-style lists. Sometimes they buy what I write. Often they don’t. So rather that let them go to waste, I thought I’d start posting them here so somewhere people can enjoy them.

Top Other Things You Didn’t Know About Mitt Romney.

His magic Mormon underwear has the power to make his personality disappear.

As a boy he tied puppies to the top of his bicycle.

Growing up he and his friends played “Hide and Seek the Tax Returns.”

His favorite flavor of ice cream is strawberry. . . no, vanilla. . . wait, pistachio. . .

He’s teaching Ann’s dancing horse the “Gangham Style” dance.

By mistake, he once fired himself.

He was so poor when he started out that his apartment only had a car escalator.

At the holidays he serves meals to poor families like the Rockefellers and Kennedys.

At the supermarket checkout he flips through “People” magazine to see pictures of his favorite corporations.

He thinks Joe Biden is sexier than Paul Ryan.


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