My Jokes for the 2013 Oscars!

During the Oscars I was writing jokes for my freelance gig for a morning radio prep service. I figured I’d post them here so the world at large could enjoy them – even the ones the radio didn’t buy!

“Brave” won the Oscar for Best Animated Film. Voters picked “Brave” because they thought they were honoring anyone who sat all the way through Seth MacFarlane’s opening.

When accepting his Oscar for Best Supporting Actor, Christoph Waltz quote dialogue from “Django Unchanged”. Even more impressive than winning an Oscar, he managed to find the only lines in the whole movie that didn’t use the “N-word.”

Seth MacFarlane’s opening monologue included references to “Star Trek”, “The Flying Nun” and “Smokey and the Bandit”. All of which were more current than any reference Seth’s ever included in an episode of “Family Guy”.

“Les Misérables” won the Oscar for Best Makeup. They did amazing work, but they still couldn’t do anything to touch up was Russell Crowe’s singing voice.

The opening of the Oscars included a number where Channing Tatum performed a dance with Charlize Theron in a tuxedo. It was as good as I imagined it would be. Except replace “Charlize Theron” with “me” and “tuxedo” with “purple rhinestone-studded jockstrap.”

“Paperman” won the Oscar for Best Animated Short. And Seth MacFarlane’s opening monologue won the Oscar for Best Un-Animated Long.

William Shatner took part in a filmed bit at the beginning of the Oscars. It was a strange choice for a ceremony that honors great acting. But not as strange as next week’s Great Boyfriend Awards opening with a race by Oscar Pistorius.

“Argo” won the Oscar for Best Editing. Mainly for the great job they did editing the “F” out of “Fargo”.

George Clooney introduced the “In Memoriam” segment of the Oscar show. First in the segment: George Clooney’s youth.

The Oscars included a salute to movie musicals and a performance by Barbra Streisand. And if you got excited about all that. . . congratulations on coming out of the closet!

Adele’s “Skyfall” won the Oscar for Best Original Song. Adele plans to put the statue in her mansion. . . the one she bought to keep all her other awards.

Daniel Day-Lewis became the first man to win three Oscars for Best Actor. Gauntlet tossed, Adam Sandler!

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Watch Gupta and Lata from “Outsourced” Talk About the New Fall Schedule – with Parvesh Cheena and Sharmila Devar – from Top Story! Weekly Episode 103: “Apocalypse Now?”

Top Story! Weekly has more than once gotten people from NBC shows to guest star on a Sunday that happened to fall right after the network cancelled their show. Memorably, Brian Kiley – Conan O’Brien’s head monologue writer – was our special guest two days after the final episode of “The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien”. And this month Parvesh Cheena from “Outsourced” was our guest star the Sunday after NBC announced the show would not be on the new fall schedule. Parv was great – you can watch his sketches on the TS!W website – and incredibly good natured about the show’s cancellation. So much so that he, and his equally awesome co-star Sharmila Devar did this segment – as their characters Gupta and Lata – about the new fall schedule. (And I worked in a little good-natured joke about my friend Jason Ritter.)

GUPTA AND LATA TALK ABOUT THE NEW FALL SCHEDULE by Phillip Wilburn and Michael Hughes

Starring Parvesh Cheena (Gupta), Sharmila Devar (Lata) and Phillip Wilburn (Anchor)

Directed by Michael Hughes